People Asked How Do I Get Through My Fears of Diagnosis and Treatments?

 I first remembered in the fall of 2009 the deep fear of the unknown when I lost a lot of weight and had daily nerve/muscle body pain attacks and nobody understood me including my doctors for a long time.   I did not want to go through this long period of the unknown again but glad that was over.   As you know, I work as a clinical social worker, I had quite a bit training on assisting clients managing their fears, anxiety, and panic.  One of the strategies is thought stopping strategy which is what I used for myself.  I decided that I had to use one line of a song to carry myself through anything that felt scary.  One childhood friend taught me just one line of 1960’s Supremes song:

“STOP!  IN THE NAME OF LOVE, BEFORE YOU BREAK YOUR HEART …”.  That was it.   I mentally verbalized that line over and over – when I was wheeled into surgery room couple of times, when I smelled of hospital cleaning supplies, when my heart uncontrollably started beating fast, when I inadvertently thought of the worst what would happen to me, when side effects became worse and so on.  Then after thinking of that line, I would start making up lines like:
“STOP!  IN THE NAME OF LIFE – YOU MAKE IT RIGHT!  YOU GO DOWN THE STREET, YOU MAKE YOUR DAY SWEET, GO LOOK IN THE WINDOWS, AND GO SHOPPING AND STROLL AND BUY CLOTHES!”  These lines change all the time because my chemo brain doesn’t stay the same, ha!  Anyway, my thoughts would wander away to more mellow POSITIVE thoughts.  That helped me a lot. 

Speaking of positive thoughts, I learned that from being a member on the Cancer Survivors Network that sharing stories help us think more positive and be supportive of each other – to other survivors.    It is that powerful!! They now are my best friends – when one does not post a comment for a while we would ask “Where is  So and So?” because we make sure others do not give up and that includes advocacy related to medical issues.  But I must advise that this online support group is NOT the place for final medical answers but rather a guide to avenues for healing.  Other ways is to relax using yoga when I can use it plus deep breathing techniques and also using humor in appropriate situations.  Also, most important of all, YOU,  family members, friends, co-workers have reminded me to keep thinking positive with contacts, etc. - I am really grateful - you do make me feel stronger!   You are Life!  Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

Right now, I dread the weakness I feel now related to chemo effects.   I cannot do anything or my body would ache big time if I become more active.  So I am resting, reading, typing, talking and eating as much as I can!  At least, I can eat peppermint chocolate bark ice cream, yummy!