People Asked How Do I Get Through My Fears of Diagnosis and Treatments?

 I first remembered in the fall of 2009 the deep fear of the unknown when I lost a lot of weight and had daily nerve/muscle body pain attacks and nobody understood me including my doctors for a long time.   I did not want to go through this long period of the unknown again but glad that was over.   As you know, I work as a clinical social worker, I had quite a bit training on assisting clients managing their fears, anxiety, and panic.  One of the strategies is thought stopping strategy which is what I used for myself.  I decided that I had to use one line of a song to carry myself through anything that felt scary.  One childhood friend taught me just one line of 1960’s Supremes song:

“STOP!  IN THE NAME OF LOVE, BEFORE YOU BREAK YOUR HEART …”.  That was it.   I mentally verbalized that line over and over – when I was wheeled into surgery room couple of times, when I smelled of hospital cleaning supplies, when my heart uncontrollably started beating fast, when I inadvertently thought of the worst what would happen to me, when side effects became worse and so on.  Then after thinking of that line, I would start making up lines like:
“STOP!  IN THE NAME OF LIFE – YOU MAKE IT RIGHT!  YOU GO DOWN THE STREET, YOU MAKE YOUR DAY SWEET, GO LOOK IN THE WINDOWS, AND GO SHOPPING AND STROLL AND BUY CLOTHES!”  These lines change all the time because my chemo brain doesn’t stay the same, ha!  Anyway, my thoughts would wander away to more mellow POSITIVE thoughts.  That helped me a lot. 

Speaking of positive thoughts, I learned that from being a member on the Cancer Survivors Network that sharing stories help us think more positive and be supportive of each other – to other survivors.    It is that powerful!! They now are my best friends – when one does not post a comment for a while we would ask “Where is  So and So?” because we make sure others do not give up and that includes advocacy related to medical issues.  But I must advise that this online support group is NOT the place for final medical answers but rather a guide to avenues for healing.  Other ways is to relax using yoga when I can use it plus deep breathing techniques and also using humor in appropriate situations.  Also, most important of all, YOU,  family members, friends, co-workers have reminded me to keep thinking positive with contacts, etc. - I am really grateful - you do make me feel stronger!   You are Life!  Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

Right now, I dread the weakness I feel now related to chemo effects.   I cannot do anything or my body would ache big time if I become more active.  So I am resting, reading, typing, talking and eating as much as I can!  At least, I can eat peppermint chocolate bark ice cream, yummy!

Results of my Scans

Last Tuesday, I had to get Neupogen shot to get my WBC up and on this same day, I had to eat only meats and about 5 kinds of vegetables and no carbs then drink barium to prep myself for the CAT and PET scans the next day.  I felt out of sorts.  The next morning, unfortunately, I had a hard time keeping this down and had to go to the bathroom often during the procedure but was able to complete these scans successfully.   Then I had to wait until today to get the results so it was a LONG wait~  anyway, my oncologist is out on vacation but my regular physician assistant, Lisa who works closely with him spoke with him about my results and the answer is that "there is interval resolution in so and so areas" which means my cancer has disappeared here and there - in ALL areas!!  So that is good news!!  BUT I still have treatments to finish until January 25th. Huh!  The reason is that they want to be totally sure that I am clean.  Now with this good news in my head, I had to walk to the infusion center to receive my 9th chemo this afternoon!  I felt half happy and half sad - am feeling the side effects of chemo now.  Specifically, my tummy hurts a lot so am drinking Gaterade and broth and crackers.  But I am feeling different now and already am seeing flicker of light at end of the tunnel - yes it is coming....  

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Thanks very much and for your sincere support.

Liz

Update of this week - Dec. 1st

I had the chemo last two days ago.   The recent blood transfusion did the trick by gaining energy in me in weathering my side effects to a minimum.  Still, I feel very bloated and my stomach feeling like being stretched 100 miles thin so I had been able to drink only broths, gaterade, soups, then rice pudding and noodle kugel and later chicken casserole, etc. that family members and friends have made for me and Ric (now spelled as Ric instead of Rick).   Thanks to all of you who did the cooking!!   I do experience other side effects but I don't think about them right now, smile.

I will have PET and CAT scans next week and hope to get good results and see how much I progressed.  I will find out by 3rd week of Dec.  I expect to continue my treatments until January, though.  I have to thank my husband, Ric as a WONDERFUL caregiver and warrior.  He has kept me going through my high and lows tirelessly.  Here is the picture I use on my support group site of Cancer Survivors Network (CSN under American Cancer Society - a great group):

Inspiring Fighting Spirit in me - See this!!

I recently had a wonderful blood transfusion that got me out of my extreme fatigue.  I feel now I am more in a fighting spirit, although, I do get lows from time to time.  I found this picture from somewhere online and identify this to fight against my disease.  Yeah!!! Here it is -  Chewbacca on a giant squirrel fighting Nazi’s (courtesy of Deviantart’s gamefan84):